Wednesday, May 26, 2004

I am sad
I think sometimes I have the most toxic personality in the world. Why else to friends suddenly not want to be friends anymore? I don't even know what I did, but my friends who own a shop won't even sell me something from their shop when I tried to order something. They just gave me the run-around, doubled the price from last time, and encouraged me to go somewhere else with my business. They were civil enough about it, but the message was pretty clear: we'd rather lose business than bother seeing you again. And I thought we were friends! The whole thing just makes me want to cry. I am horribly sad about this right now.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I hate news
Salon.com News | Terrorists planning summer attack
Anyone who would attack a large civilian population is devoid of human decency and will be throwing fire on an already volitile situation. Religion needs to die away. Religion is the single greatest force of evil in the world. Even worse than money.

kinda interesting email exchange
Got the following email off a forum that I frequent:
"Hey, read your post in the how close did you get to death post and you said you had dreams while in coma. I think thats pretty interesting since me and a couple of people where discussing this on another message board about lucid dreaming (www.lucidity.com if you want to know what that is about, if you can pull it off its loadsa fun :P), would you care to elaborate?"

My response:
"I'll be happy to share some of my experiences, but it's inherently difficult. One reason is that it was five years ago and all dreams tend to fade, and another is that explaining dreams using the English language is next to impossible. I've tried to write down what it was like, and it's tough.

What I can say is that my dreams were very real. Three days after I "woke up" (it was gradual due to heavy drug intake) I learned that the five weeks I had dreamed had not in fact happened. The "real" five weeks had all taken place in the confines of the hospital in Portland and was filled with its own set of grizzly details. Learning that the five weeks I had dreamed was "only a dream" was one of the most confusing aspects of the entire, bizarre experience.

The dream took place over real time. So after it was done, I had five weeks of memories that were all mine. My friends who were with me in my dreamscape did not share these memories. The last time I had a "false" memory was about two years ago when I asked my girlfriend, "remember that time when..." and she did not. I deduced that that memory was from my dream. This was a frequesnt occurance in the months immediately following the coma.

Other notes that may be interesting: my surroundings in my hospital room definitely were part of my dream. I spent four days in New York (and other locations) with a close friend who came to visit for four days while I was out. The timing (like the second week) was the same as her real life visit. With her in the room reading to me and talking to me, she entered my dream. Another friend read to me from a novel he was reading about the Civil War, and that war became part of my dreamscape as well (with him in a MASH type hospital). Throughout my dream, there were doctors and nurses and people incredibly concerned that I was on the brink of death - somehow all of this got through to me and it was in my dream, too.

As for lucid dreaming - I have not yet checked the site you gave me, but i understand it to be somewhat of a "controlled" dream. And I have been able to do that for years, off and on. Very fascinating when it happens.
"

Don't know if anyone else will find that interesting, but in the attempt to put more of myself into the blog, I thought I'd do some copying and pasting.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

I am really going to focus on being more carefree and less serious about every damn thing. My life has too much seriousness in it.